my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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