my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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