Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize