his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
