farters have to be the big spoon...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
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You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
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she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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