Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
