I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My ass is underappreciated
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
