Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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