We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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