Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
