Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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