you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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