I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
