I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
