No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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