um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
