he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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