My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
