We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It was like giving head to a cactus.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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