i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
