We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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