nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
