apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
