Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
