when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
