Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
