your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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