Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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