When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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