I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
