I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
