Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
