i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
