i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
