i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
