you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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