Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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