Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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