my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
