It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
