My friends, they love my intelligence
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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