I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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