Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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