I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
