Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
