you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
