So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
