forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
