so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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