I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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