If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
