when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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