God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
