i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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