those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Randomize
