I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
